…to any longer feel bad about my financial situation. I have zero dollars in my bank account, mostly due to poor planning on my part for not taking into account the bureaucratic ineptitude of a certain university financial office. We will probably owe the IRS a shit-load of money this year, due to not understanding the fellowship and stipend tax rules or realizing that I could pay the taxes during the year. But even if I did consider this current situation my fault, I think I would still refuse to feel bad. Why is it that we place such high values on people “living within their means” instead of questioning the consumer culture that drives most of our taste? Should I feel bad for desiring a Starbucks latte simply because I may not be able to afford it? Should I more harshly judged for purchasing such drink than a rich(er) person who can afford it?

…to feel bad about what my children DON’T have rather than focusing on what they DO have. For example, not having the specific foods they want for breakfast. Due to the above money situation, the grocery store has not yet been visited. Therefore the beloved oatmeal is not available for consumption this morning, and the last beloved banana had to be split and shared. But there are other things to eat, including yogurt, Cheerios, and crackers. There is waffles and juice. My heart aches that the kids can’t have exactly what they want, and I know that I’ve created an expectation, but damn, a little disappointment now and again cannot hurt that much.

…to feel bad about my “brand” of motherhood. My kids watch TV, and don’t get a bath every night. Breakfast is not always hot cereal, but rather cold stuff. The kitchen and bathroom floors are dirty, and clothes remain unfolded for days. We don’t make our beds. We slap hands and butts every now and again. I yell and fuss. Many nights, I leave the house to do my work, and my kids are aware that I’m leaving. I enjoy spending time without my kids. I have no desire to be a stay-at-home mom even if I could be. I hate living in the suburbs. Doing well in my career means a lot to me, working for social justice means a lot to me, and I want to see all kids have opportunities in life, which means that I may not do exactly what’s best for my kids if it also means that it disadvantages some other kid, especially if they are black or brown. But God entrusted these kids to me, to raise them as I see fit.

I’m “irresponsible” with money because I have average tastes and below average money, I don’t give my kids what they want all the time, even if their requests for oatmeal are perfectly reasonable, and I sometimes place social equality above giving my kids all of me by devoting time to the cause rather than to them. But I’m the mama they have, so everyone just has to deal.

1. Where is the place for women and feminism in the modern church? Where is the place for black women, as de mules uh de world, in the modern church? The church I attend will be having guest speakers for the month of March to celebrate 20 years of the senior pastor being a part of the church. But not one of those speakers are women. In fact, I’ve noticed that whenever there are women giving talks, they are always aimed at other women. So men can tell women about living a Christ-like life, but women can’t do the same for men? Even more profoundly for me – what does it mean, if anything, that Jesus was a man? As I woman, can I ever be like Jesus?

2. Where is the place for social justice activism amongst diversity in the modern church? During the 10th annual State of the Black Union that aired this weekend*, there definitely seemed to be a call to the Black church to revive its roots of social activism. But again, the church I attend is known for it’s diversity, and with that diversity comes a call to be neutral on most political issues. No candidates are endorsed, no police shootings/profiling is declared to be wrong, we didn’t even participate in the National Day of Service b/c that would have been seen as supporting a political candidate. I guess we can’t talk about white privilege or black oppression when the church is as diverse as it is, and the church thrives by building membership, but it strikes me as false to court a diverse membership at the expense of not championing for what is right and using our power as a church to do so. Diversity doesn’t mean that all is right in the world, and I want to be a part of a church that understands that.

3. Am I an African in America or an African-American? I attended an African-centered church today, and  I was moved by the attention to drawing on a history that begins long before the slave trade. I loved that my children, although still young, could soak up some sense of their history, even only through osmosis. But it also got me to thinking – am I am African? While my history is irretrievably shaped by the slave trade, to be an African-American gives half of who I am to people who tried to destroy me, who considered me less than human. And many people say, “Well, our lives today are better than what they would have been had we all stayed in Africa,” but according to what standards? Personally, my bank account is empty b/c I’m a consumerist American, having been indoctrinated into the religion of money. My spiritual account is running low, and I obsess daily about building positive self-esteem in my children in a society that denigrates them. Had I been in Africa, perhaps I would lack that ever presence sense of inferiority that has been hardwired into us over centuries. So perhaps I will start to think of myself as an African in America, remembering that my history did not begin here as an oppressed people, but was rather interrupted.

That’s what’s been on my mind today – any thoughts?

* You can watch both parts at the links above.

Ouch. Contrary to last year’s success, my paper was not accepted for presentation at this year’s ASA. Actually, it was explicitly rejected. There were actual comments, however, and the point of the reviewer was well received.

But, wow, I’m surprised how hurt my feelings are. Especially since my department has been pretty good lately in having faculty members share review letters with us grad students, showing that even tenured faculty get some pretty scathing reviews; it’s just the nature of the job. And, most importantly, we should be, and I am, grateful for the feedback because it really will make my paper much better, I think.

But the initial reaction is still one of feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I’m a bit confused as to whether it was rejected over all, or just to my first choice. I’m assuming over all rejection; it would say that it’d been forwarded to the second choice if so, right? Nevermind, upon re-reading, I’m pretty sure it was rejected by the second choice too, as that’s where the comments came from.

I’m watching Crash on FX and it’s such an interesting (albiet very problematic) film, so let me write as I watch: Read the rest of this entry »

This comes across my email:

I assume this is referencing the chimp that was killed by police after attacking a woman, but I’m not quite sure (although I can surely speculate) exactly who is supposed to be the “chimp” when it comes to the economic stimulus package. Can someone else help me out?

Updated to add some wisdom from Thembi:

What America needs to get is that this kind of thing doesn’t actually upset most black folks in the way that many believe. There have been times that I’ve felt emotionally wounded and discouraged by racism but this is not one of those times. Black America should be upset because our sensibilities are not even being considered for one moment when an editor decides to run a cartoon even halfway depicting a black person as a chimpanzee. I doubt that Delonas was aiming for an “Obama is a monkey” joke. He has a history of ignorant cartoons that he defends with a “what, me worry?” shrug, but even a racist would zero in on the joke better by clearly making that chimp Obama-like. We also all know that Obama didn’t actually write the Stimulus plan, which has many authors, not a single one. These facts considered, Delonas is just corny and we all know that. What I find irritating is the lack of care shown for my participation in political discourse. Knowing that as soon as you draw even the flimsiest parallel between a black person and an ape those inflammatory images strike a deeply repulsive chord and just lock us out.  I’m offended that my sensibilities aren’t even being bothered with or considered, especially with such obvious images, and further offended that I have to be bothered. At its mildest, it’s as if I went to an event as a vegetarian and every single dish served had meat in it. By not considering my sensibilities as a black American, it is impossible to reach a common point where issues that are important, like the Stimulus bill itself, can be discussed with cool heads.

Check out her whole post b/c she also cautions us not to be too upset.

The past seven days here have been wet and dreary, and my mood has correspondingly been kind of down, just waiting for the rain to lift. But there were bright spots in the clouds, and I thought I’d share some with you:

You see how the clouds just part to give a glimpse of what’s behind? It reminds me that even on the darkest, and dreariest of days, the sunshine is still there, just masked by the clouds.

I don’t really have time to construct a whole post, so here are snippets of something I’ve been communicating about this weekend.

First, some background via an email sent to friends with children in the Palo Alto School district regarding the minority achievement gap:

As parents who have children in Palo Alto schools, I wanted you to be aware of the statements made by the school chief and the community responses:

Here’s the original story:

http://www.mercurynews.com/news/ci_11613034

in which he proclaimed that the racial and ethnic achievement gap could not be closed in the Palo Alto Schools, due to home and community influences. Note that teachers and administrators were all present and none reputed his ignorance in light of educational research that shows the contrary. FYI – the black/white achievement gap has grown in the past five years.

And here’s the apology, given to minority parents at a meeting:

http://www.paloaltoonline.com/news/show_story.php?id=11175

Be sure to skim the comments and learn about your “culture”…

As you know, my kids are not yet here, but it scares the shit out of me to see the blatent prejudice toward our kids. These are our kids – we know they are bright and capable of anything, but they are not being given a fair shot, even in a place as “welcoming” and “liberal” as Palo Alto. And since I know that many of us come from families of working mothers who didn’t have higher education yet we are here – how dare he or anyone else deny our existence and our proof that anyone can learn and anyone can achieve if the tools are provided to them!

I am just so angry right now, and while my pastor spoke this morning about loving God’s children and uniting in peace, I just don’t know how to do that and still insist on social justice, especially for our children. And not just for my kids and your kids,  but for all the brown and black kids just like them who deserve the right to know they can succeed and deserve not to have ANYONE standing in their way or claiming that it’s impossible.

And then my thoughts about Christian love and social justice:

You know, Pastor Paul spoke this morning about how the church is a multicultural, multi-generational, multi-denominational, multi-political space and how all of that unity is God working through our community, referencing Ephesians 4:1-3. But he also spoke about keeping the church free of “debatable” issues and I just wondered at the wisdom of that. And as he was talking about uniting in love and peace, I couldn’t help but wonder about how to apply it to my own life. As I research issues of race and culture, I’m having a hard time trying to figure out how to love all God’s people and also fight for social justice at the same time. My classmates have accused me of being confrontational and aggressive in my words, both in speech and writing, but I just cannot figure out how to have a Christian sense of love and forebearing and also speak out against injustice. To have a school chief speak out of ignorance instead of the factual evidence that shows all around this country kids of all races and socioeconomic levels being able to achieve at the same level of their more advantaged peers, and yet have not one teacher or administrator tell him he’s wrong – how can we allow that to be the status quo belief? How can we do that AND be non-confrontational and non-aggressive when we have to approach people who incorrectly believe their success is strictly meritorious and not the result of historical privilege and attention?

I am really struggling with this – any thoughts?

If there is one thing, and it’s a big thing, that I cannot complain about living in Palo Alto is the safety. While cops may be racially profiling, I’m not afraid of anything more than a bit of harassment. But in Philly, things are crazy. A cop shot and killed, the fourth in two years. This one at a busy transportation center, one that I went through twice a day, every day as a teenager. At the bus stop that I would be waiting at in order to go home. As much as I miss Philly with all of my heart, I can’t stay that I miss the crime. I can’t say that I miss crime being all the happens on the news, most of the time featuring Black men. Here in Palo Alto they talk about more than just crime, from road works projects to the state of the schools, to actual good things happening, things that I almost never saw on the Philly news.

If it were just me and my husband, it wouldn’t be such a hard thing to think about returning. But with my kids? It feels like a not-in-my-backyard type of argument, where I have the ability to make a different decision and live in a different place and feel like its okay that someone else who has less options does have to deal with it? More than the schools, it’s the crime that I just don’t know what to do about. I mean I could be standing at the busstop, not even late at night, and people out trying to shoot cops? Home invasions, where random folks just busting into other folks houses. How can we understand this? And this is not in ultra poor areas, but solidly working-class like where I grew up? I want to go home so bad, but I can’t in good conscious bring my kids back to that if other options exist, can I?

I love All Star Weekend.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2009_NBA_All-Star_Game