daddy’s day thoughts

I tried very hard yesterday to give my husband a good Father’s day. I bought him gifts and cards, we went out to breakfast, to the farmer’s market, and just spent the day together doing some things that he wanted to do. I did these things because he deserved it, as he is a great father and our children are too young to tell him themselves, but I must admit that I also did it so that he could see an example of how to treat someone on a special day as if you really appreciated them (Mother’s Day didn’t go as I expected). The point being the ever-cliched “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” lesson of showing someone how you expect to be treated, a behavioral lesson of sorts.

So as I read this article this morning, and this post about it, it got me thinking: How does a man learn to be a father? My husband has a great role model - his father is a very successful man who is married to my husband’s mother, so was a daily, persistent figure in my husband’s life. Therefore it is not so strange that my husband is a good father - he has a great model to build upon.

But what about those men who father children but do not have the benefit of a father-figure model upon which to build? I appreciate idea that at some point in transitioning to adulthood, one must take control - and therefore responsibility - of one’s own life. We all, as adults, have control over our behavior, and certainly do know right from wrong. I have never heard of a man who fathered a child, but neglects to raise them, say that he didn’t know that his behavior was wrong. But knowing something is wrong, and having the power/tools/knowledge/etc. to behave differently are two different things.

So I’m annoyed at the democratic nominee this morning, not for pointing out the truth - daddies need to step up and be fathers to their children - but for committing the sin of omission. See, the problem is not just that men are not doing right by their kids, but that those same men probably grew up without fathers, and those men probably grew up without fathers, and you have several generations of men growing up without fathers. And to put this solely on the backs of these brothers is disingenuous at best, as the legacy of slavery was to have boys grow up without fathers, rendering them to perpetually be “boys” in the eyes of the white public. The white slave masters certainly did not consider themselves to be male role models for young black boys, so by selling fathers and separating families, from where is the role of “father” to be learned?

So when the democratic nominee says

“They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it.”

without acknowledging that the state is keeping black men in a perpetual state of boyhood, now not through slavery, but through mass incarceration, lack of quality jobs, and education that do boys (esp. those of color) a disservice, it makes me angry at what I think the nominee knows is a showing of historical dishonesty. Take the words from his “race speech“:

Segregated schools were, and are, inferior schools; we still haven’t fixed them, fifty years after Brown v. Board of Education, and the inferior education they provided, then and now, helps explain the pervasive achievement gap between today’s black and white students.

Legalized discrimination - where blacks were prevented, often through violence, from owning property, or loans were not granted to African-American business owners, or black homeowners could not access FHA mortgages, or blacks were excluded from unions, or the police force, or fire departments - meant that black families could not amass any meaningful wealth to bequeath to future generations. That history helps explain the wealth and income gap between black and white, and the concentrated pockets of poverty that persists in so many of today’s urban and rural communities.

A lack of economic opportunity among black men, and the shame and frustration that came from not being able to provide for one’s family, contributed to the erosion of black families - a problem that welfare policies for many years may have worsened. And the lack of basic services in so many urban black neighborhoods - parks for kids to play in, police walking the beat, regular garbage pick-up and building code enforcement - all helped create a cycle of violence, blight and neglect that continue to haunt us.

I realize that being honest all the time will not get one elected in this country. But I expected better from the democratic nominee. I feel so grateful that my son has the role model of his father upon which to build when he becomes a father himself. While I continue to unequivocally support the democratic nominee, at least for today, I’ll be drinking at lot less of the kool-aid.

addendum, correction, ignorance on my part

In the previous post, I wrote about vegetarianism as a way to reduce cruelty against other living beings, animals and people alike. The people I referred to are those who are hungry across the world, in part due to the amount of grains fed to animals that could otherwise be fed to people. What I had not thought of, however, were the conditions under which people harvest vegetables and fruits, which are the staples of my diet. BFP writes a post about her memories of her father as a fruit and vegetable picker, and asks these questions:

Is a vegan lifestyle really a “cruelty free” lifestyle? Why is it so easy to prioritize cruelty inflicted on animals over cruelty inflicted on brown people? Why can people list a whole litany of wrongs committed against animals by the food industry–but at the same time those people “never really thought” about what happens to the workers?

Should I consider these things while contemplating veganism? Should I mourn them?

Can I bring myself to say with a straight face that I no longer eat meat because I care about ending violence against animals? Can I say to the workers, to myself, that even animals are more important to me than they are, than I am? Can I continue my own people’s erasure? Can I continue mine?

How do I make eating vegan/vegetarian a political choice about liberation without making the sacrifice one set of beings make with their bodies more important than another set of beings

One can never be sure, I guess, the plight of the people or animals in the food industry. I thought I was doing well by shopping for produce at the local farmers market, naively believing that “organic” and “local” farmers are treating people right. In some cases, they do state that their produce is pesticide-free, which addresses some of the concerns in BFP post. But even without the pesticides, how are the people treated?

* My best friend and I laugh at the story of my father riding our asses in the fields. We thought it would be easy and fun work–but my father road our asses into the ground with work. If we played or laughed too hard or got too caught up in our talking, we heard the mantra “We’re here to work, we’re here to work, we’re not here to mess around, get busy!”

* We laugh because we understand that The Mantra is our version of the “parental quirk” that other kids are horrified that their parents don’t hide–farting in front of friends, wearing hair rollers to drop kids off at school, etc. My old school Mexican father thought he was instilling values–instead he was just horrifying me and scaring the shit out of my best friend.

* But both of us as adults have expressed thankfulness for the experience–thankfulness that at 11 years old we had somebody driving us like full grown adults. Thankfulness that we had experienced what it was like to be “Mexican.”

But now I know that believing is not enough. I think this is part of the reasons people grow their own vegetables and fruits. While I don’t have the time to do that, I will make more of an effort to inquire about the lives of the people picking these vegetables and fruits that I self-admittedly felt so good about buying. And if I don’t like what I hear, I’ll be moving on. Because I do care more about people than animals. If it came down to it, I’d choose a person over an animal any day of the week.

h/t Anomie

herbivore

I’m often asked why I am a vegetarian - is it for health reasons, moral reasons, or both? For me, it is both, and very difficult to separate one from the other. A principle of yoga is ahimsa, or non-violence/non-harming/non-injurious. Along with the concept of karma, and the adage “you are what you eat,” I think the violence that is inflicted upon modern animals who are raised for food is directly ingested into the body. In that way, health concerns and moral concerns are one - I don’t want the bodily karma of violence.

But after listening to this debate on “World Have Your Say” and reading these articles, another moral reason has popped up. Another principle in yoga is aparigraha, or non-hoarding. Basically it means to not take more than you need, resisting a lifestyle of excess in favor of one of necessity. I don’t need meat to survive. I feel much better when I don’t eat meat. So if I were to eat meat, I’d be taking more than I need. So my vegetarianism is also an attempt to not be greedy - leaving things that I could take but choose not to in the spirit of leaving more for others.

In this way, I believe that vegetarianism is one of the things I can do to end world hunger, at least in principle. People all over the world are dying from hunger. Hunger. As a mother, it is something I cannot bear to think of  - a child going to bed hungry. The debate on WHYS generally does not argue against the idea that vegetarianism is the way to go, on a global level, except for the woman who makes the point about exploding animal populations. The argument against it is largely practical, in that people just won’t do it. In the West, it’s like a right to be able to eat meat. In developing countries, eating meat is a luxury, a sign of prosperity that people will not want to give up after only having it for a short while.

But something like 16 pounds of grains are used to produce 1 pound of meat. In that way, grains that could be used to feed people are being used to feed animals which are then being used to feed people in rich parts of the world, like the United States. I have no delusions that people will give up meat completely; I attest that it’s a difficult thing to totally change your diet. But eating meat just a little less - like giving it up one or two days a week - could feed hundreds of people. Of course, the causation has to work just so - decreased demand for meat in the West leads to decreased production of meat leads to increased grains for people. And I’m not sure that vegetarianism does anything about the rising cost of all foods. Grains will still be expensive. It’s clearly not a one-fits-all solution. Just a small piece. (And I can’t even start talking about biofuels - that’s another issue all together that is probably larger than the issue of eating meat.)

This summer, my family is embarking on a vegetarian experiment. I’ve been a vegetarian for several years, although I find it very difficult to maintain during pregnancy. And I know it’s not for everyone - during pregnancy, I have such a craving for meat that I think it’s something my body needs, so I eat it. My husband and kids don’t eat meat that often, so I think this experiment will work. If it ever appears that there are negative health consequences, like weight loss in my kids, I’ll stop. But for now, I pledge to cook or otherwise make available a healthy, vegetarian dinner every night this summer. This won’t totally clear the meat from my son’s diet - he goes to a family day care and it may be too much to ask her to not serve him meat, esp. if I am not totally committed to it yet. But at home, this is a meat-free zone.

perfectly fine

I’m almost done, but not quite. My first year in a PhD program is almost complete. One more paper is due Monday, and while it’s quite a bear, there is solace in knowing that once it’s handed in, it’s done. And then I’ll be completely done three days after being almost done. Which of course is not completely done as I need to re-run my ASA paper analysis, and then get started on collecting my data for my second year paper as well as read everything about my topic.

The paper I am working on now, in order to be quasi-done, was a choice of two options. The first option was to write your own paper, building upon earlier exercises in statistical methods. The second, the one I chose, was to replicate an existing article from a major journal that used the methods we learned and had publicly available data. It was by far the most difficult choice.

Why did I chose it? I keep asking myself the same thing, because I think it was a mistake. Our professor told us that by replicating we would learn more, but honestly, what I heard was that replicating was the harder choice so if you did it and did it well it would look more impressive. So despite the fact that I should be focusing on work that’s important to me, I chose to replicate an article on a topic that is not particularly important to me and that is super complicated. Am I learning about how to do what these authors did? Yes. Is it going to be particular helpful to me several years down the line when I may actually use these methods since I am using interview data for my master’s paper? No. Because by then, I won’t remember.

But I have no choice now but to continue plodding along, giving it my best effort for the next three days. But it’s taught me a lesson that one of my mentors stressed to me just yesterday. That lesson is to learn the difference between perfect and perfectly fine. It’s a lesson that I have really be trying to learn for a long time, and I think that a small part of my ego, which has been holding the lesson back, has been eroded, making a space for the lesson to finally sink in. It’s a lesson that I’ve really been learning this entire year, while doing what many people have said they can’t believe I am doing, grad school with two very small children. But I have to admit to myself that it’s been done by being perfectly fine because perfect is something I just cannot and will not ever be.

Truth be told, perfectly fine got me awarded a prestigious fellowship that frees me from the having-to-work-for-my-keep cycle. I haven’t told many people because I feel guilty for it, because I haven’t been perfect and felt like I could have done so much more so why did they choose me when I know other people have also been busting their ass.

tears of joy

Is there a need to say why?

disillusioned

Disillusioned commented about her concern with FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act)* in academia:

I am in a non-tenure track position and when I told my chair I wanted to take FMLA I was told that he or she didn’t think it applied to me because I’m in a non-tenured position. This was quickly followed up with, “I helped write this university’s maternity leave policy. You should have seen it before.” I qualifed for FMLA. I know the law well (as does this chair) and had already discussed it with HR.

It is very annoying when people who are in supervisory positions make statements about policies without being correct. Many employees depend solely upon these people to know and are not as well educated about the law as D is.

I am also growing disillusioned by my field. Why are we patting academia on the back for extending the tenure clock one additional year for each child (this is not policy at all universities)? Why should I have less job security over a longer period of time because I’ve chosen to become a parent? These are people that know better (they understand the mommy penalty). Academia might be a “better” fit with parenthood than other careers but I’m growing less sure of that every day.

I’m not very familiar with the extension of the tenure track, but I thought it was more of an option that something that would definitely happen. Also, I thought that it was for the year after childbirth, when one might not be as productive. The way D puts it though, it’s as if because I have two kids, even though they’ll be like 8 and 6 when I enter the job market, my tenure clock will be extended. I don’t think I’d want that - it would be unnecessary and imposes a stereotype on mothers that may not apply. Are there others out there who have more experience with this? Is it an option? Does it apply to all mothers, regardless of the age of the child(ren)? Do people see it as a good thing or a bad thing?

I am also finishing up my doctorate and am growing frustrated over having to censor myself on social networking sites on the chance that potential employers (or my current employer) stumble upon my postings. I’m jealous of my non-academia mom friends that can post an ultrasound photo as their profile photo. I’m nervous posting it anywhere on my profile even though the profile is private, excluding the profile photo and headline.

If I were you, I wouldn’t hold that part of me back. If there is an institution that, after reviewing your dissertation, teaching portfolio, etc. that would not want to hire you because you have a child, then why would you want to work for them? I think it’s best to be straight-up in the hiring process because then everyone knows what they are getting. I also do not ever hide my kids when I don’t want to. My kids are all over my facebook page, I talk about them in my blurb on my department’s website, and I definitely plan to have more and talk about them, too.

My husband has also run into problems at his non-academic job. He is taking their paid parental leave and his boss told him he didn’t think he qualified because he isn’t the primary caregiver. What is a primary caregiver? He is no more or no less the primary caregiver than me.

Again, annoying. Although I sent my husband back to work after a week - I couldn’t take it

FMLA may be law but in practice intimidation is used inside and outside of academia to discourage workers from taking it.

You should read the work of these scholars at the ABF. They found exactly what you are talking about - employers using retaliation and intimidation to discourage workers from mobilizing their rights.

* In a nutshell, FMLA provides 12 weeks of unpaid leave for employees who have worked in their firm for more than a year at a firm who has over 100 employees. The real benefit of FMLA is job security - upon return to work, an employees must be restated at the same or better position than before the leave began. And the leave is not just for pregnancy - all medical issues with someone in the immediate family are covered.

i want to make sure

Over at The Root, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite sites, Rebecca Walker (estranged daughter of Alice Walker) writes an interesting piece about the things that she is going to make sure her son sees and experiences. Her first instinct upon seeing a picture of the Obama’s:

Call me old-fashioned, call me a fashionista who loves to see classic couture meet the new black aesthetic, call me fashioning a blog post out of a media moment, but I ran downstairs and got my son from his room. I wanted to make sure that, even though he’s only three-and-a-half years old, he could see a new kind of Presidential family. I wanted to make sure he could see what the world looks like, circa today.

She then recounts all the things her mother made sure that she saw and experienced: having a kiss by BB King, getting Cicely Tyson’s autograph, meeting Nelson Mandela, talking to Harry Belefonte, and the list goes on. While some commenters chided her on the high-post-ness of her list, I think her point was well made. There are all sorts of things that I want to make sure my kids see, hear and experience in life.

When I was growing up, we didn’t have the money to take expensive trips or the social clout to meet famous people. But my parents made sure that once a year, they splurged to take my brother and I to a live entertainment show of our choice (mine was Janet Jackson, his was Wrestle-Mania.) My mother made sure that literature lined our walls, especially those of black authors. My father made sure that we heard all different types of music, from rock to classical to rap to jazz. Not to tout my own horn but that of my parents: to this day I think I am one of the most widely read and know more about music than most people my age who had a lot more than I did growing up. It was through books and music that I learned about greatness, much how Rebecca Walker learned about greatness through shaking greatness’s hand.

So what do I want to make sure my kids see, hear, and experience? My kids are too little to understand the significance of an Obama ticket, but they sure can hear the excitement in our voices as we talk about it. I want to make sure that my children realize that the world is bigger than them, by doing simple things that showing them the ocean this weekend. I too want to introduce them to the world through books, to make sure that they know what’s out there even if they don’t always get to see it.

What do you want to “make sure” for your kids?

yuck, gross, yuck

All three of the other members of my family are sick. And as much as I love them, I have an aversion to sick people. To top it off, I seem to be immune to any of the stuff they pick up out in the world. Which means that I am always well enough to take care of them. A few thoughts on this special role:

1. When my family gets sick, I feel this extreme compulsion to clean. As if the germs that got them sick are now spreading through my house, and I must disinfect to stop them from getting the germs all over again. And given the amount of spit-up and other bodily juices that have escaped from their bodies, it’s probably not a bad thing to do anyway.

2. Sippy cups are gross. They are incredibly hard to clean, with their little plastic suction things and holes that no dishrag can get through. When we had a diswasher back in Philly, it wasn’t so bad, but it’s impossible to get them really clean when handwashing. I suggest to all people who have children coming up to sippy-cup age to take this into account. Perhaps going straight to the regular cup is the best way to go.

3. People, esp. kids, get clingy when they are sick. I love my children with all my heart, but given my tendency to get grossed-out by sickness, I really don’t want them breathing all over me. I can just feel the germs coming over me. But they need love and comfort so I just try not to think about it.

4. This is a great product to have when you have kids, I mean pets (which we don’t have, but we love this product, so you get the point).

5. Sick kids + sick husband + end of the quarter + looming deadlines = great amount of stress. Blogging will be taking a back seat for a few days. Not that there are many people reading anyway

what would you do?

This is awesome. A breastfeeding mother and Chinese police woman, upon seeing hungry infants in the wake of the devastating earthquake, breastfed as many as nine infants who may have otherwise died if not for her.  What would you do if you found yourself in this situation? I’d like to think I’d be as generous as this police officer, especially when hungry children are involved.

From Dr. Huginkiss:

This story resonated with me on several levels. First, as a mother who breastfed both of my children, I was moved thinking about the powerful bond that has been forged between this woman and the infants she fed. Honestly, it gives me chills just thinking about it. Second, as a criminologist I was intrigued to hear Xaiojuan remark that by feeding these babies she was merely fulfilling her duty as a police officer:

“I am breast-feeding, so I can feed babies. I didn’t think of it much,” she said. “It is a mother’s reaction, and a basic duty as a police officer to help.”

While she may feel this way, I wonder how many officers (male or female) would agree with her. Myself, I think what she did is pretty extraordinary, and definitely qualifies as going beyond the call of duty.

Happy Birthday To You…

I missed it yesterday, as I was traveling all day, but I wanted to wish Malcolm X a happy belated birthday. He would have been 83.

From Melissa Harris-Lacewell on The Root, an excellent black intellectual blog, on why we love Malcolm:

Malcolm displayed the capacity to learn, to grow, to discern and to change direction. It takes courage to admit that society’s approach to old subjects has grown rigid and needs to evolve and change. It is hard for leaders to admit that they have been wrong in the past. His life is a reminder that greatness is not found in arrogant self-righteousness or intellectual hubris, but in the willingness to be open to our own limitations.
…

As we stop to reconsider Malcolm X on his birthday, we should reaffirm our own commitments to creating a more just and fair world. We should express to his spirit our gratitude, not for his perfection, but for his courage and for the lessons he imparted to us, to light the way for our struggle

I think about this often as I go through my days, defending my beliefs and trying to make this a better world for my children. I try to remember my goal of self-improvement and spiritual enlightenment, even if it requires admitting I was wrong by being honest with myself and all those around me. I think of my struggles, but remembering that while there is always someone doing better than I, there is also someone doing worse. Do read the Autobiography of Malcolm X if you haven’t yet already. Reading it was one of the turning points in my life.