06.29.09
MIA
I feel like I’ve been MIA lately, in that so much is going on in the news and in my life and I haavent been my opiniontes self, at least not in uber-public forums such as this. But things are getting nutty and I feel drawn back in. From Iran to MJ to BET to Honduras to hip-hop to disability and bipolarity to parenting and religion, I’m in all these places trying to make sense of it all.
A few thoughts to get me started: BET might just be the worse thing out there for black people today. I’m in favor of renaming it Bamboozled Exploitation Television. Just downright shameful. Micheal Jackson is the greatest entertainer ever. No qualifications neccessary. He never wanted not to be black, but rather be accepted by all. We need to be watching the reaction to what’s happening in Iran. There was a coup in Honduras, reminiscint of Haiti. Again, watch. Hip-hop makes me sick. From now on, I’m caring about me, as both black and woman. If you are not for me, you are against me. That’s a warning to everyone. Mental illness is as much a disability as physical illness. I’m glad my university gets it. Do diagnoses really matter at the end of the day? I just want to be better, but Much of my recovery will depend on me. Makes life a little less fun, but a whole lot more worth living. In church yesterday, pastor preached a out understanding your true self on God’s eyes. I am coming to know that I am rooted and established in love that surpasses knowledge, and that gem of truth is what takes me through each day.
Have a wonderfully blessed day!
06.16.09
gloom and doom
Sunday night I experienced the worst mental and physical symptoms I have ever felt in my life, and I thought I was going to die. It’s no surprise that I suffer from mental illness, exactly what I’m still not sure. Major Depressive Disorder is the old standby, but I’m starting to think it may be a bit more. But I digress.
I was started on a new medication exactly one week ago. I was in such a bad place that I just took it without reading about it, and without throroughly discussing the possible side effects. Boy, I wish I would have. Never, ever, ever take something that you don’t know what it’s going to do to you.
I spent Sunday feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. I couldn’t take the noise of being in the car with my kids – it felt like their sounds were actually entering my body. I’ve always said it’s one thing to not feel safe in your external environments. But when you are not safe in your own body, you have a serious problem. And that problem took me to the ER.
Sparing all the details, they diagnosed me with akathisia, which according to Wikipedia:
is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of “inner” restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless…Akathisia may range in intensity from a mild sense of disquiet or anxiety (which may be easily overlooked) to a total inability to sit still, accompanied by overwhelming anxiety, malaise, and severe dysphoria (manifesting as an almost indescribable sense of terror and doom)…High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a sense of inner tension and torment or chemical torture.
It was AWFUL. I really thought I was going to die. Thank God the psychiatrist knew what do to, based on the new drug I had recently started taking, which had nasty side effects all week (I’ve lost 7 pounds due to the naseau, sleepiness and restlessness…) Wandering through the maze and puzzle of mental illness SUCKS. I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy.
