Ouch. Contrary to last year’s success, my paper was not accepted for presentation at this year’s ASA. Actually, it was explicitly rejected. There were actual comments, however, and the point of the reviewer was well received.

But, wow, I’m surprised how hurt my feelings are. Especially since my department has been pretty good lately in having faculty members share review letters with us grad students, showing that even tenured faculty get some pretty scathing reviews; it’s just the nature of the job. And, most importantly, we should be, and I am, grateful for the feedback because it really will make my paper much better, I think.

But the initial reaction is still one of feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I’m a bit confused as to whether it was rejected over all, or just to my first choice. I’m assuming over all rejection; it would say that it’d been forwarded to the second choice if so, right? Nevermind, upon re-reading, I’m pretty sure it was rejected by the second choice too, as that’s where the comments came from.

I’m watching Crash on FX and it’s such an interesting (albiet very problematic) film, so let me write as I watch: Read the rest of this entry »

This comes across my email:

I assume this is referencing the chimp that was killed by police after attacking a woman, but I’m not quite sure (although I can surely speculate) exactly who is supposed to be the “chimp” when it comes to the economic stimulus package. Can someone else help me out?

Updated to add some wisdom from Thembi:

What America needs to get is that this kind of thing doesn’t actually upset most black folks in the way that many believe. There have been times that I’ve felt emotionally wounded and discouraged by racism but this is not one of those times. Black America should be upset because our sensibilities are not even being considered for one moment when an editor decides to run a cartoon even halfway depicting a black person as a chimpanzee. I doubt that Delonas was aiming for an “Obama is a monkey” joke. He has a history of ignorant cartoons that he defends with a “what, me worry?” shrug, but even a racist would zero in on the joke better by clearly making that chimp Obama-like. We also all know that Obama didn’t actually write the Stimulus plan, which has many authors, not a single one. These facts considered, Delonas is just corny and we all know that. What I find irritating is the lack of care shown for my participation in political discourse. Knowing that as soon as you draw even the flimsiest parallel between a black person and an ape those inflammatory images strike a deeply repulsive chord and just lock us out.  I’m offended that my sensibilities aren’t even being bothered with or considered, especially with such obvious images, and further offended that I have to be bothered. At its mildest, it’s as if I went to an event as a vegetarian and every single dish served had meat in it. By not considering my sensibilities as a black American, it is impossible to reach a common point where issues that are important, like the Stimulus bill itself, can be discussed with cool heads.

Check out her whole post b/c she also cautions us not to be too upset.

The past seven days here have been wet and dreary, and my mood has correspondingly been kind of down, just waiting for the rain to lift. But there were bright spots in the clouds, and I thought I’d share some with you:

You see how the clouds just part to give a glimpse of what’s behind? It reminds me that even on the darkest, and dreariest of days, the sunshine is still there, just masked by the clouds.

I don’t really have time to construct a whole post, so here are snippets of something I’ve been communicating about this weekend.

First, some background via an email sent to friends with children in the Palo Alto School district regarding the minority achievement gap:

As parents who have children in Palo Alto schools, I wanted you to be aware of the statements made by the school chief and the community responses:

Here’s the original story:

http://www.mercurynews.com/news/ci_11613034

in which he proclaimed that the racial and ethnic achievement gap could not be closed in the Palo Alto Schools, due to home and community influences. Note that teachers and administrators were all present and none reputed his ignorance in light of educational research that shows the contrary. FYI – the black/white achievement gap has grown in the past five years.

And here’s the apology, given to minority parents at a meeting:

http://www.paloaltoonline.com/news/show_story.php?id=11175

Be sure to skim the comments and learn about your “culture”…

As you know, my kids are not yet here, but it scares the shit out of me to see the blatent prejudice toward our kids. These are our kids – we know they are bright and capable of anything, but they are not being given a fair shot, even in a place as “welcoming” and “liberal” as Palo Alto. And since I know that many of us come from families of working mothers who didn’t have higher education yet we are here – how dare he or anyone else deny our existence and our proof that anyone can learn and anyone can achieve if the tools are provided to them!

I am just so angry right now, and while my pastor spoke this morning about loving God’s children and uniting in peace, I just don’t know how to do that and still insist on social justice, especially for our children. And not just for my kids and your kids,  but for all the brown and black kids just like them who deserve the right to know they can succeed and deserve not to have ANYONE standing in their way or claiming that it’s impossible.

And then my thoughts about Christian love and social justice:

You know, Pastor Paul spoke this morning about how the church is a multicultural, multi-generational, multi-denominational, multi-political space and how all of that unity is God working through our community, referencing Ephesians 4:1-3. But he also spoke about keeping the church free of “debatable” issues and I just wondered at the wisdom of that. And as he was talking about uniting in love and peace, I couldn’t help but wonder about how to apply it to my own life. As I research issues of race and culture, I’m having a hard time trying to figure out how to love all God’s people and also fight for social justice at the same time. My classmates have accused me of being confrontational and aggressive in my words, both in speech and writing, but I just cannot figure out how to have a Christian sense of love and forebearing and also speak out against injustice. To have a school chief speak out of ignorance instead of the factual evidence that shows all around this country kids of all races and socioeconomic levels being able to achieve at the same level of their more advantaged peers, and yet have not one teacher or administrator tell him he’s wrong – how can we allow that to be the status quo belief? How can we do that AND be non-confrontational and non-aggressive when we have to approach people who incorrectly believe their success is strictly meritorious and not the result of historical privilege and attention?

I am really struggling with this – any thoughts?

If there is one thing, and it’s a big thing, that I cannot complain about living in Palo Alto is the safety. While cops may be racially profiling, I’m not afraid of anything more than a bit of harassment. But in Philly, things are crazy. A cop shot and killed, the fourth in two years. This one at a busy transportation center, one that I went through twice a day, every day as a teenager. At the bus stop that I would be waiting at in order to go home. As much as I miss Philly with all of my heart, I can’t stay that I miss the crime. I can’t say that I miss crime being all the happens on the news, most of the time featuring Black men. Here in Palo Alto they talk about more than just crime, from road works projects to the state of the schools, to actual good things happening, things that I almost never saw on the Philly news.

If it were just me and my husband, it wouldn’t be such a hard thing to think about returning. But with my kids? It feels like a not-in-my-backyard type of argument, where I have the ability to make a different decision and live in a different place and feel like its okay that someone else who has less options does have to deal with it? More than the schools, it’s the crime that I just don’t know what to do about. I mean I could be standing at the busstop, not even late at night, and people out trying to shoot cops? Home invasions, where random folks just busting into other folks houses. How can we understand this? And this is not in ultra poor areas, but solidly working-class like where I grew up? I want to go home so bad, but I can’t in good conscious bring my kids back to that if other options exist, can I?

I love All Star Weekend.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2009_NBA_All-Star_Game

…really hard not to judge. Really, really hard not to regard you as an idiot. For every non-sensible thing you say I try to think back to something you said that did make sense, in some way to balance out the nonsense you just put out there. But lately, it’s getting hard. Because every week it’s something else, and it makes me wonder how you got here. What did you say or do that made people look past your obvious shortcomings? Because it’s not just that I disagree, but that I can’t even really see where you are coming from. You are ignorant in the truest sense of the word – lacking knowledge, comprehension, intelligence. And the worst part, the absolute worst part is that you don’t want to know or comprehend anything outside of what you believe. You are willfully blissful in your ignorance, yet you parade that ignorance around like knowledge. And that is oh so irritating to me. And I can’t help but say to myself that you are just an idiot. Plain and f-ing simple.

*Sigh* *Sigh* and double-*Sigh*

I really needed to let that out. My children are now home and I can get out of the alter universe you call your reality.

I’m writing this as I sit in Starbucks, my office away from home. I’m working on a short critical memo in which I discuss how political processes influence the emergence and renewal of American racial and ethnic group identities. And I find it fascinating. And I also feel guilty.

I was out with a friend last night who is also a gradmommy, and we discussed how our kids are always in the back of our minds, no matter what we are doing. Her children are a bit older, but still babies in relative terms, and she has a bit more family around to sort of take her place when she’s gone. But yet she still feels the pangs of, well, abandonment when she has to leave her kids to do other things. Other things being advancing her career so she can have a life outside of her kids. Because one day they are going to grow up and have a life of their own and she wants one two.

But yet while I also feel like she does, we differ in that she feels guilty when she’s not with her kids because she really wants to be there. Not because she feels obligated, but because school and career really are secondary concerns to her. She’s doing this for them. Me, on the other hand, I don’t quite feel like that. I really can’t bring myself to feel that my life, my wants, my career are secondary to my kids. And I feel guilty because that just sounds so awful.

Maybe because I’ve suffered with depression for so long, I just can’t bring myself to put anyone else ahead of me and my happiness. I feel like it is literally selfish, but I just cannot see another way to be. Between feeling guilty and feeling how I’ve felt at my worst, I will choose guilty every time. And while I’ve always wanted to have children, I’ve also always wanted to have a career and make a larger contribution to this world than just my family. I don’t know if it’s simply a rationalization, but I want my kids to see me chasing my goals while also loving them and allowing them to be independent and grow into their own people. I’ve deeply internalized the mantra that kids deserve a happy mother more than an “always-there” mother.

And I think I’m a good mother, at least by my own standards of course. I would probably feel different if me chasing my dreams meant leaving them with a babysitter all the time instead of their father . As I’m sitting here writing this, I’m texting him to see how things are going, seeing if and when they really need me (he just told me that my son is singing about Jesus right now). One of the reasons I want to move closer to home is because I want my village around my kids, bringing different influences into their lives. I don’t want it to just be me or just their dad, or just any one thing.

In many ways pursing these degrees are about them; I can only imagine the kinds of lives they will be able to imagine for themselves given the opportunities they will be aware of and able to take advantage of. So my guilt is not about not always “being there,” but not feeling more guilty about not wanting to always be there. I feel guilty because I want to be where I am, reading and writing, and feel okay about daddy taking a larger role than many men take.

But I also want to have another baby because I love the way my heart has grown since having my kids. What does that say about me?

“Big ‘Bama’s House”? I usually expect a bit more from the Daily Show.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=217665&title=big-bamas-house