12.31.08
a gradmommy new year
This year has been a whirlwind, and while I have done lots of loving, laughing and soul-searching that I’d love to share, there just do not seem to be enough hours in my day to do all the things I want or need to do. Including writing such a post as to discuss my loves, laughs, victories and defeats. All in all, every year is a good year if it’s been a year of growth. And 2008 has been such a year.
Here’s a happy new year to you and yours. I will be drinking lots of $10.99 Brut just for you. Here’s pics of my favorite folks as they’ve grown over the past year:
12.18.08
disappointed and supportive
I believe we can be disappointed and supportive. As parents and friends we do it all the time. Someone we love does something we hate, yet we still love them and wish the best for them, and will oftentimes do whatever we can to support them in their goals.
President-elect Obama’s choice of Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the inauguration is disappointing. Shaka says:
Mr. Warren helped lead the charge on Proposition 8. He has compared gay marriage to pedophilia, incest, and plural marriage.
Obama is a centrist, this we know, and despite what some of us wanted to believe, he is not a liberal. I will not say that he was the lesser of two evils, because I believe that he is good and is one of the best things to ever happen to this country. He says he wants to go beyond partisan politics, and I’m good with that. Partisanship for the sake of partisanship is stupid. The inauguration is supposed to be the first symbolic gesture toward inclusion and compromise. Some say that Warren’s pick is nothing more than a symbol, and says nothing about Obama and policy.
But on some issues, I don’t think it’s good enough to be centrist and compromising. On some issues, there IS a right side and a wrong side. On some issues, one more day of inequality is a pretty shitty day. This is not about partisan politics. This is about basic human rights. This is about all Americans, forever and unequivocally, being considered equal. This is about Obama taking a first stand in the first way he can, through his inauguration, and saying that bigotry will not be celebrated. I don’t believe that Warren being bigoted about LGBT issues makes him a bad person. I read a Purpose Driven Life back in the day. But as a symbol of religious faith, which is his role in the inauguration, only months after he supported the stripping away of civil rights?
Symbols are very important. People get up in arms about the burning of the American flag. Burning crosses on someone’s front lawn is considered a hate crime. Obama himself is a symbol of what is possible in this country. Symbols mean so much.
So let’s not dismiss his choice as “merely” a symbol because that just totally relegates symbols to an unwarranted low level. Let us not fail to criticize the President-elect because of what he represents to us.
But also let us continue to support, rather than undermine, his Presidency. I am EXTREMELY disappointed in this symbolic choice, but can also take my indignation, write a letter or two, and then watch carefully. Gay rights are not the only issues that need to be dealt with, and the majority of us who voted for Obama knew that he would not be the one to champion on behalf full rights for the LGBT community. We had hoped that he would at least avoid celebrating bigotry, but alas, it was not to be. But there are other issues that will help us all, and we cannot afford to undermine him in getting those things done.
Changing things in this country, and really everywhere, is a combination of changing hearts and minds and changing policies. Obama did not pass prop 8, Californians did. Rick Warren did not pass prop 8, Californians did. Obama’s silence and Warren’s championship may have tipped the scales, but for those who believe in equality, no amount of silence or encouragement would have changed a “no” vote to “yes.” So the real work needs to go into changing hearts and minds before we can even begin to change policy on this one.
Obama is not perfect, and it’s good that we are coming to this realization prior to him taking office. Including the fundamental Christian Right in conversations, beginning with the inauguration, will hopefully engender a feeling of similarity between us all as we celebrate the swearing in of OUR President. As we begin to see more of ourselves in others, as Americans, as human beings, then maybe real change, the kind that happens in hearts and minds, will begin to happen. Maybe in conversation we can begin to see where the other is coming from, and if we are so convinced that we are right, as I am, we will use our ability to connect and communicate to convince others over to our side. Let us take our disappointment in the man and place our support behind symbol of the man: the dream of communication, inclusion, and unity.
12.14.08
woe
Do you have those days where you feel as though you are a failure in all areas of life, even though it’s quite objectively clear that you are not?
Reasons for my woe:
- My almost-three year old will not potty train. He just won’t do it. And I feel like he should. But he doesn’t want to. He’s the oldest at day care, which means he has no model to show him what to do. And I’m not really on the same page with the day care provider, and I’m getting multiple types of advice about what to do. And I feel like, as a parent, I should know what to do. And I don’t.
- Same kid, different problem. He’s almost three and is sometimes, what I would consider, out of control. He’s not really out of control, but he doesn’t listen. And I don’t want to spank him except for things that are really egregious, but a whole day of not listening and doing whatever the hell you want starts to feel egregious by a certain point in the day. And I feel like, as parent, I should know what to do. And I don’t.
- I’m feeling sick, like I have the flu. Which is exactly what fibromyalgia feels like when it’s in a flare. And I’m trying to do everything I can to be well – I’m eating right, exercising, yoga, meditation – but yet I’m still feeling sick. I’ve had a migraine headache for three days now. I haven’t started the new medication regimen because I have to coordinate with three different doctors, with none of whom am I a high priority.
- My house is a mess. My hubby does the best he can, but I admit, I have high standards. And I can’t do it when I’m sick. But the mess makes me feel sicker. Physical mess = mental and emotional mess.
There’s more, like my money woes, and my loneliness woes, and my “what is the meaning of life” exisitential woes, and they all feed one another and make each seem like it’s worse than it is. I know this. And probably by one getting better I’ll feel better about the others, because when it’s sunny outside the same pile of shit looks a little better than it does when it’s raining.
Don’t worry about me; Im just having a bad day :=( I actually feel better now. Tomorrow I’ll post something cheerful!
12.12.08
after the news…
I always find the online reader comments to be much more informative than actual news articles themselves. Not so much in the NYT, but definitely in a small city newspaper like the Palo Alto Daily. Take the comments after this story, from today’s paper. Title:
Basically about a housing “project” for low-income families and seniors that’s had some architectural and size issues. Some comments:
Sure, there is plenty of demand for subsidized housing. I’d like to have my housing costs subsidized too! Enough with this scam that the developers are pulling on us – the profits of the developers come at a huge cost for all of us who live in the area(overcrowding) and own property here(decreased property value). Wake up Peninsula – it’s not going to be so great to live here in 10 years.
For some of us, it’s not so great to live here now. (Update: She resigned.)
The 800 High residents’ opposition is understandable and ironic. Understandable because who wants to buy a $1.5M dollar condo and then have families pulling in less than $40,000 a year a mere spitwad’s throw away.
Spitwad? Why spitwad? As a grad student, I make less than $40K a year, and if there is one public action I find really nasty, it’s spitting in the street. I surely wouldn’t condone, nor would most people I know who make under $40K, hacking a spitwad onto someone’s balcony.
My kids is not attending Addison because when it was full when I moved to Downtown Palo Alto. My children are now attending other schools, and this will also happen to more than one hundred children that will be leaving in this new project. The city must re-think and organize schooling for all those children before approving such a project. And I am doing the math right. In 49 low income apartments there will be FOR SURE MORE THAN 100 KIDS.
Palo Alto schools are some of the most well-resourced and highest performing schools in the state, and also the nation. To go to a good school, I rode the bus and subway for 45 minutes each way from age 10 till I graduated from high school. I really have little sympathy for these parents having to drive to another school that might not be within walking distance to their house. I’m sorry, I still drive 20 minutes each way, twice a day, every day for my kids to go day care that I can afford.
Do very low income do their basic needs shopping at Whole Foods? or would they shop at Safeway? and do they go to Stanford Shopping Center or big box retailers? Those trips just keep adding up.
LOL, I must not be as low-income as I thought. Maybe low-income people still want good organic foods for their kids, and not the mess they call fresh food at Safeway (I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel. I will go broke over good food.) And yes, the Stanford Shopping Center is a bit bourgie, but low-income folk like to splurge every now and again, too. And honestly, have people seen how low gas prices have gotten? $1.99 for premium! In California!
I wonder how Whole Foods Market feel about this low income community moving so close to their store. I know that that their managers worked hard to get the expansion of the sit-lie ordinance approved to cover Homer street in order to get the homeless folks out of their site. Now the homeless people are out. Victor has moved to another area.
Since when does making $40K = homeless? Oh, yeah, I forgot, in PALO ALTO, where there is NO affordable rental housing!
There are so many other articles in this newspaper that show the uglier side of the beautiful weather and two-faced politeness that epitomizes Palo Alto, in my opinion, that I might need to start a regular feature all about Palo Alto news…
12.10.08
how ironic
How am I supposed to be building wealth, especially in these troubling times, if I’m spending my hard-earned dollars on this? I think they should be giving these away for free, considering that neither are post-election, saying something like “Yes We Did!”:

I bought a few newspapers the day after the election, and plan on framing those with some contact paper, craft board and some glue.
And on that note, I REALLY think the Obama campaign/team and similarly associated organizations should stop emailing for money; it’s getting rather annoying. Don’t they understand we’re in a recession? I’ve made my investment, $35 dollars multiple times in the past year, so now I’m waiting for my return.
12.08.08
cb christmas
My dad is a musician, and when I was growing up, we listened to all types of music. I suppose I feel in love with the piano and all music with beautiful piano lines because my father is primarily a pianist. So tonight, as I watch a Charlie Brown Christmas, I can’t help but smile a sad little smile because I love Christmas so much and I miss my family even more and for some reason, Peanuts music just does it for me. Tomorrow I go out and get my own Charlies Brown tree, deserving of a loving home on Christmas.
I won’t let all this commercialism ruin MY Christmas! Doesn’t anyone know what Christmas is all about??!!
Music, because it was and continues to be, such a large part of my life, always brings back memories. Not just in my mind, but in my body I feel like I’m going back in time. Even when I can’t remember any thing specific, I remember a feeling of being young and loved and safe and blessed. It’s interesting, music never brings back bad memories – even if the memory or the feeling brings back someone I’d rather not remember, the memory, or the feeling, is always a good one. Good not as in happy, really, but as in nostaligic. Like knowing that you were once somewhere and a part of something that no longer is. And it’s okay but so very sad cause you wish you could go back and experience it again. But there is solace in knowing that you already did, and now can move on.
12.05.08
Mrs. Bernstein, you really thought this was okay?
Really, Mrs. Bernstein? Mrs. Bernstein, you really thought this was okay?
For the lazy, an excerpt:
On Nov. 18, [teacher] Bernstein was discussing the conditions under which African captives were taken to America in slave ships. She bound the two [black] students’ hands and feet with tape and had them crawl under a desk to simulate the experience, [superintendent] Monahan and [parent] Shand said. Monahan said the girls were not the only blacks in the class.
In case this is not clear, a white teacher bound the hands and feet of two black children and had them crawl under a desk to demonstrate the conditions under which slaves were transported.
Reactions:
“There are other ways to demonstrate slavery,” Christine Shand said Friday. “It doesn’t matter the color of the kids, it’s just not right to tie them up. My daughter is still upset, still embarrassed. She didn’t go to school today.”
I actually disagree that this is not about the color of the kids. Teachers need to be sensitive that some “lessons” are more emotional and traumatizing for some kids rather than other kids. I remember learning this lesson when I was in sixth grade – my teacher was Jewish, and when she taught us about the Holocaust, she and other Jewish kids in the class cried. The lesson had a special meaning to them – I understood this at 11. How inappropriate would it have been if two of them were chosen to wear Stars of David on their shirts to demonstrate the labelling of Jews? I think it’s more inappropriate than had the children been chosen at random, or better yet, had the teacher asked for volunteers (which the article is not clear how she did choose them, although I assume the child that was so upset would not have volunteered had she known the content of the demonstration.) I’m not sure that the actual content of the lesson is necessarily insensitive to me, although I do think tying up kids at any time is just not a smart thing to do.
People are so f-ing ignorant. And I’m sick of it. I WISH a teacher would tie up MY child to demonstrate slavery. PhD or not….
Updated to add: my hubby makes a good point – what was the point of the lesson? If it was to demonstrate the conditions of slavery, then tie up ALL the kids, so they could ALL feel what it may have been like. But this sounds like this teacher took two black kids to add some “reality” to the demonstration, like “this is what black people looked like on a slave boat…” Again, the color of the kids absolutely does matter…
12.04.08
a big reason
A few posts ago, I talked about why I was re-choosing to go to law school and do the dual degree in law and sociology. I was talking to a friend today, and one of the biggest reasons I wanted to go to law school is that I’m bored.
Of what? you ask. I enjoy working on my current project, that looks at the role of racial inequality in how middle-class black parents raise their kids. It’s about how they navigate their class privilege with their low racial status, and how this differentiates them from middle-class whites and lower-class blacks. And I’m finding som amazing stuff, like the pressures on middle-class black kids to be “black,” not only with their black friends but with their white friends, as they need to establish a racial identity in both spaces. And how one goes about determining what it means to be “black” depends on if they live around black people – middle-class blacks in majority white neighborhoods with limited contact with black people outside of family may have a distorted view of what it means to be “black” that may be informed mostly be media images. Fascinating stuff, right?
But (most) in my department don’t find it so fascinating. An example – a few weeks ago, we had to rank which classes we wanted to TA. One of my fellow grad students summed up a lot of what I think many in the department feel – anything about race or ethnicity, he struck as “boring.” I asked him what was boring about them, and he was just like, “Oh, things that just don’t interest me.” It’s really hard to have a discussion about race in our department because most people just aren’t interested.
I talk a lot in all classes. Most things about sociology are interesting to me, and I try to really engage with it all. But it’s hard when with the thing you are really passionate about, others do not reciprocate that same engagement, or approach everything you say with such non-helpful antagonism. How many comments have I gotten that, “Well, white people have that problem too?” Even when I talk about the role of race in parenting!
So, one reason I want to go to law school is to engage with some different people. I understand that when I came here, I was expected to work with a professor who left before I even arrived, so my interests are somewhat outside of the department’s main strengths. So, the concentration of interest in things that aren’t my main interest is not really anyone’s fault. I’m hoping in the law school, where personal statements are usually not about any substantive area of law, I’ll find people and professors who want to talk about the stuff I want to talk about, even if they vehemently disagree. While those white people in college who disagreed with everything I thought about race were not my best friends, I was at least able to have conversations that stretched my thinking and challenged my own assumptions.
Right now, in sociology, I just feel like I’m swimming all alone with only a life vest in a huge ocean. And I can’t swim. I can stay afloat, but I can’t go anywhere. Without the joint degree, I feel like I’d be seriously alone, having to chart this course all by myself. I have a great mentor outside of the department, but she has her own students in her own school plus her own work to do. So a big reason for why I am going to law school is that I just can’t see myself spending 3+ more years only in sociology.
12.01.08
no liberty in northern liberties
When we lived in Philly, before having the children, we rented a charming loft apartment in Old City, Philadelphia. At that time, the area directly north of us, north of Spring Garden Street, was called Northern Liberties, I assume because it was directly north of the historic neighborhood that many consider the birthplace of liberty. The area was known as the next up and coming neighborhood in the city, which is a city of neighborhoods. You could get pretty cute little row houses, called trinities, in Northern Liberties for a really low cost (compared to neighboring Old City).
But like many areas that are being gentrified, the pretty new houses and restored buildings are a facade for the people that aren’t looking to move there, but already are there. The nickname for Northern Liberties – No Lib – is quite ironic, given that the area has been anything but liberating for many of the natives. The Inquirer online has an interesting short video that showcases the voices of mothers in No Lib that show what this up-and-coming neighborhood looks like to them.













12.11.08
guess who i saw today?
Posted in news commentary, politics, research topics tagged black women, public intellectuals, research at 10:52 pm by gradmommy
Melissa Harris-Lacewell: An amazing black female public intellectual whose research is placing black American women front and center. I shouldn’t idolize anyone, but when you are feeling like the academics around you really don’t appreciate the work of black people or about black people, seeing her today did a lot for me. I’d already been familiar with her public work, and I cannot say enough about how her presence in the world of political punditry and in talking about issues affecting black folk has motivated me to continue to talk about what is important to me.
She has a new book coming out, part of which she spoke about today. She connects racial pride to racial shame and uses the work of wise literary grandmothers Toni Morrison and Zora Neal Hurston to speak to the shaming of Black women. She then connects it to current events that involve the shaming of black women of all classes. Finally she talks about current images of Black womanhood and strategies that black mothers and grandmothers have been using at least since Jim Crow to instill a sense of racial pride in our girls to overcome racial shame. Harris-Lacewell is a political scientist, and she draws it all together to talk about how this shaming of Black female identity has adverse consequences for Black women in the political sphere.
Interestingly enough, in my work, I argue a similar point in my work, but of course from a sociological standpoint. I identify “racial capital,” as a companion to cultural capital, that racial minorities draw upon to maintain racial authenticity and compensate for low racial status. I argue that these two demands – authenticity and compensation to “get along” in a white world – have typically been thought of as competing with one another. For example, “acting black” by speaking non-standard English is at odds with “working twice as hard to get half as far.”
But what I found is that, at least among some middle-class blacks (who fortunately do not have to deal with many of the economic pressures of the working class, and therefore have time and resources to put some stratgies into action), racial socialization strategies have created new meanings of “blackness” to counteract the negative, stigmatizing and shaming images of black people. In this way, some middle-class black parents are redefining what it means to be authentically “black” while also teaching their children about the realities of race and prejudice so they can compensate for it when they come up against it. My last couple of paragrapsh before “data and methods”:
What I loved about Harris-Lacewell’s work was her incorporation of literature into her work; most of what I learned about “being black” came from books when I was child. I read the Bluest Eye and cried. I read Their Eyes Were Watching God and laughed and cried.
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