11.29.08
keeping it real
The holidays suck for people who have no money. One of those people would be me. I’m glad I had the forethought to buy a few toys for my kids, and since they are still little and don’t really get it anyway, there’ll probably not be much disappointment.
But I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself, not being careful with money earlier in the year and not budgeting for the emergencies we ended up needing to cover. I’m disappointed because I LOVE to shop, and the deals are killing me. There is a different kind of stress when you have two kids and zero dollars in your bank account.
And of course I happen to be watching these biotches actin’ like fools, just to make me even madder.
And before anyone comments – yes, holidays can be great for folks without money. It just makes ME sad. Maybe I’m just greedy and selfish 
my kids bff (well, maybe not forever)
I realized yesterday one of the reasons it’s so tough having more than one little kid. My son, who is almost three, and I went on the Train of Lights, a wonderful holiday train ride, with friends we’ve recently made. Once a month, parents of black (or biracial) children get our kids together for a fun event, and for the holidays, it’s this train ride. So just me and my son went to this, and I realized that its so hard to have many little ones because you, as the parent, are your kid’s best friend.
There’s a number of reasons for this. My son enjoys playing with other kids, but every few minutes or so, it always comes back to mommy. Part of it is that there are communication issues – he knows a lot of words but his enunciation is not great so other adults and kids cannot always understand him. Some of the mothers were trying to force their kids to interact with my son, and it was painfully obvious that they didn’t want to because they couldn’t really understand him – he’s still a baby to them. So, he relies on mommy to translate. My kids are the “junior” members of this little group, as the youngest before we joined is almost 4. At not quite three, he also is not always sure of other folks and their intentions – you should have saw his face when he met Santa Claus. It was clear that he didn’t quite “get” why the other kids were so jazzed about this large white man with the long beard. (He happily took Santa’s candy, though.)
So it’s tiring, but now I finally get it – my kids really need me to make these kinds of events fun for them. My son really wants to play with the other kids, but that means I have to be in the thick of it. I don’t get to let the kids go off and do their thing while I hang with the parents and talk adult stuff. I though maybe the solution is to find more parent-friends who have kids my kids’ age, but that wouldn’t really work because we’d all be hovering over our kids and there would be no adult talk at all. When I’m with these other parents of older kids, they have adult talk that I can float in and out of. I’m a little isolated, but at least there is something I know I can look forward to 
I learned a lot more during this two hour adventure, including challenges to my thoughts about interracial marriage and transracial adoption, but I’ll save those for other posts this week.
11.21.08
if they would have asked me i would have said this is a stupid question
http://pewsocialtrends.org/pubs/700/black-public-opinion
I don’t understand either of the options. If race is about physical traits, a classification system based on physical features, then once you no longer look like that race, then you generally aren’t. I know this is a controversial thing to say, because race is also about self-idenitifcation. But I think that once society fails to see you as black, then you no longer have the black racial experience. So I’m not quite sure what they mean by diversity – physical diversity has always been the case.
Cultural diversity is, though, another question. But even if culturally there is more diversity among blacks than in the past, does that really translate to multiple races? No, it doesn’t. Because culture is not race and race is not culture. Are they asking if it’s annoying to be lumped together based on physical traits when people are living drastically different lives? Then yes, I can understand responding, “No, we are not just one group.” But to ask the question about being one race – there is considerable diversity between whites too. Why did they not ask whites the same question?
11.20.08
my text message to myself
I’ve been feeling a little down lately, and one thing that always perks me up is sharing a night of karaoke with friends. So last night a few of us met up and went to karaoke downtown, and had a great time. As usual, I was one of very few black people in the bar, although there was a strong Samoan contingent and a fair number of Asian folks, and people who could really sing in both groups. People tended to select song you can dance to, as opposed to ballads, and as I watched people dance, I noticed something I hadn’t before in these types of situations. I quickly texted myself so I could write abut it here. I wrote:
Pour some sugar on me/
white people dancing/
asian people look like white folk
Let me explain: There has long been a joke that white people can’t dance, made by both whites and non-whites alike. Dave Chapelle has an excellent skit here (featuring a white people favorite, John Mayer) in which he says that it’s not that white people cant dance, but that they prefer to dance to specific instruments, especially the electric guitar.
But what I saw last night refutes this hypothesis. At first I was like, okay, if they are dancing to “One More Chance” by Biggie, fine, perhaps it’s just a matter of it not being their type of music. It’s hard to find the beat on something you aren’t too familiar with. But, after thinking about Chapelle’s hypo, I thought, well, maybe when a “white” song comes on, they’ll find the beat and it will work out.
But I was wrong.
“Pour Some Sugar On Me” comes on, and nothing changes! If anything, the movements became more erratic, I just could not find any rhyme or reason to it whatsoever.
[The Asian people thing was just an observation that if I hadn't known they were Asian, judging by their dancing I would have thought they were white.]
So I mention all this to my white friend who accompanied me to the bar, and she was incredulous. What are you talking about? she said. Do I not dance on the beat?
No, I told her. You don’t. She says, No, I mean, I’ve been in mixed crowds before and everyone tells me how good of a dancer I am. People actually form circles around me to watch me dance. I say, Mixed with who? And she says, Well, white people and some Latinos. We both laugh and continue to dance, trying to teach each other when to move.
But then I finally got it. It’s not about dancing on or off the beat, I really think we are hearing two different things. The cue in the music that tells me to move one way and then the other, is very different from the cue she’s hearing.
But some things remain a mystery – I still can’t understand why white people look like they are doing so much when they’re dancing – hands are moving differently from chest and hips and butt and feet. Any thoughts?
11.18.08
healthy eating
Win a certificate for some healthy cereal! [Written as my kids eat Clifford's Crunch...]
11.16.08
i’m so irritated
My hubby said I looked like I could slap the shit out of somebody.
It’s one thing when you mess with me, but when you start messing with my babies?
It’s on.
I promised my hubby not to divulge details here, but what I will say is…
Pediatricians beware!!!
11.15.08
are you doing it too?
What, you ask? Deleting all the emails notifying you of close-out sales and deals from your favorite stores. The Gap, J.Crew, Victoria’s Secret, Target, Sears…they just don’t stop. 30% off. Final Sale – up to 50% off. Appliance Sale.
This is the first time in my adult life that I automatically delete. Before the economy started to tank, I’d still browser-shop, imagining myself in pretty sweaters and dresses looking like the models on the screen.
I’m trying to change a habit. When I have money, I spend it. When I don’t, I don’t. So I usually don’t adjust my behavior until after I have to.
But no more. No new clothes since September. Skimping on organic in favor of conventional. Store brands rather than name brands. Side job editing papers. Living frugally.
I hope it’s over soon.
11.13.08
i reserve the right…
…to change my mind. Cause I do it often. But my problem is that I tell everyone of my Major Life Decision as if it’s permanent when it, in fact, is not.
The Major Life Decision that I informed everyone of was that I was no longer going to pursue the law degree. I was having a bad couple of weeks health-wise, and really doubted my ability to be a good mother and a good wife and a good student without losing my mind. I thought that just focusing on one degree was the best thing for me and my family.
But this week I’m feeling better and I’m freaking out. Cause when I feel good, I feel like I can do anything. Not in a bipolar type of way, but in a confident-that-I-can-do-the-things-I want-to-do kind of way. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to law school. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. But law school is pretty different from grad school. And I was (and still am) scared of my ability to cope with the lack of flexibility and the competition along with the pressures of having little kids.
And another part of the decision was that I have a lot of mommy guilt and I want to be the best possible parent I can be. The problem is that the picture I have in my head of the best possible parent is really not a person I think I would be really happy being. Like when I look at the stay-at-home moms I live around, I just think, “how cool – those kids get to be with their mommies all day” and think about what a great bond that must be. But on the flip side, I think I would go crazy if I was with my kids all day and not able to do this academic, intellectual work within this structured environment that I really enjoy doing. And then I think, “well, why did you have them if you didn’t want to spend time with them?” and my answer is, “I do want to spend time with them but there’s a tipping point when enjoyable becomes really [insert word that means not enjoyable here] and having a happy mother has to be more important than simply time, right?” And this conversation keeps going on and on and on.
So last week I convinced myself that I really didn’t WANT to go to law school because I really wanted to be this kind of mother. But the truth is, I really DO want to go to law school, and I really DO want to be that kind of mother, but I also KNOW that being that kind of mother, while it would be nice for my kids, the downside would be I would not be a very nice person to be around. It’s like it’s better for them for me to have a certain amount of selfishness and actually still doing those things I wanted to do even before they got here.
But it wasn’t just about them – I thought about other things I want to do in my life, like having another baby, and I couldn’t see how that could happen between law school and the PhD. I wasn’t sure how I would feel having to go back to taking classes that I didn’t really want to take but rather had to take. I was afraid of not being able to stay with my kids when they are sick – the baby’s been sick all week and while I’ve been able to take time off to stay with her, could I afford to miss a whole week of classes at the law school?
But I’ve always wanted to go to law school. There is something about the law that fascinates me, and I want to know it. And it doesn’t hurt that law professors make 3 times what soc professors make (thanks ORJ for that realization) and I have two kids and expensive taste. I don’t want to ever regret a decision but I also want to strike the right balance between my family and my dreams.
Somebody said a few weeks ago that parenting is not supposed to be hard, but if it’s not hard, you ain’t doin’ it right. I feel that way about life too, and if you noticed, that last sentence offers no solutions.
So I find myself in the position of having to inform everyone of my change of mind (I think), when if I’d just kept my mouth shut in the first place I wouldn’t have to do so. Did I mention that I actually informed the law school of this? Thank you to the professor who informed them that I mistakenly made a rash decision and I really wanted more time to think about it. I swear, I am the most talkative introvert I have ever met.
11.10.08
sickness
My little one is sick, and it makes me feel so bad. I got called minutes before class began to come and pick her up because she was throwing up and generally miserable. She has a fever, has been cranky, and hasn’t eaten anything. She’s only 14 months old, and I so wish I could just take whatever is causing this and put it on me instead of on her. She’s just so little, and her body is so warm, I even suggested that she sleep with me tonight, but hubby wasn’t having it
I thought getting her some fresh air this afternoon would help, and I think it did. She was cranky but not totally out of it while I had a meeeting with a mentor. She feel asleep there, around 2:30, and has been in a state of sleep or sleepiness ever since. I don’t want to take her to the doctor’s, cause they’ll just charge me $20 to tell me it’s a virus that has to run its course.
Sick kids are one of the worse things about being a parent. But I’m not complaining
11.04.08
the most famous black man in the world…
…is not a professional athelete, does not have his own shoe, and does not rock two turntables and a microphone. He is married to a beautiful black woman with style and grace, and is a father to two beautiful black princesses. And he is the next leader of the most powerful land in the world.
While this is truly historic, how crazy is it that for my children, the very first presidential election of their lifetime features a person who looks like them? They know Obama, they see mommy crying, but they don’t know the significance of my dream that when they one day say, “I’ma be the President one day!” I will be able to look at them and honestly say, “Yes, baby. One day you will.”
