07.14.08
i’ve thought about this
About whether or not to write about, or more accurately, link about. When I was in college, I did a lot of work with race and gender. I really did more with race, but that kinda gets to the heart of the issue. Since leaving college, I’ve often talked about and written about these issues, but no real active involvement. Part of it is that I’m just kinda over it, over trying to explain the intersection of race and gender, tired of explaining to white women why my race is important, how I can’t separate them, how feminism has shut out the experiences of women of color. How I scan a room to see how many people of color there are but not really how many women there are. How a good friend and I consistently note how difficult we find it to get a long with white women but generally find most white men we come into contact with pretty cool. Latoya at Racialicious puts it beautifully:
In real life, I generally do not have cause to interact with white people on a regular basis. My friend group is diverse, encompassing people from various races, ethnicities, and backgrounds – but there is no white representation in my immediate circle. Besides one or two friends I held over from high school who I see semi-annually, I don’t see many white people socially. I hang in PoC areas, go to events dominated by other PoC, work for a international organization in a predominantly black department, I pay my rent to the rental office staffed by black and latina women, my neighborhood and my building is predominantly PoC – even the belly dancing classes I take are operated by and designed for women of color. Outside of my yoga studio – which is predominantly white, but still manages to attract a large mix of ethnicities to practice within its walls – I generally do not come into contact with white people on a regular basis. I see them commuting, on the metro, in transit – but my life is generally one long PoC party.
So, it is important to me to state that it is mentally taxing for me to go into non-PoC spaces on a regular basis. I find it exhausting. White dominated spaces are difficult for me to deal with because of all the issues involved with privilege and reference points. I find it tiring to be lectured at about my lived experience. I get weary when I see the same tired ideas rehashed over and over as if they have never been debunked before (i.e. – “Well, did you ever think that all the black actresses who tried out for that role weren’t as good, so they gave the role to a white woman?” Wow, no, I never thought of that! I guess that explains all those roles who are offered to certain actresses to accept or decline before they ever make it to the casting!)
While I understand how to navigate such a space, it is never a place I find comfortable and they are places where I am constantly on guard. One could ask why it has to be this way? Why should I assume I need to be on guard in a space created to foster discussion between women? It is because these spaces have been proven to be hostile – and dropping your guard in a hostile environment is the quickest way to get popped in the face.
I mean, she puts it perfectly. My life has a bit more day-to-day interaction with white people – school is dominated by it. But every other part of my life is pretty PoC – my husband, my best friends, my kid’s day care – all black. And that’s how a feel – like I’m navigating, not really a member, playing a role. And I know how to do it well, but when I have to over-do it…I feel drained.
I don’t know why I wanted to link to this, but it was just so true I couldn’t help myself. I hope no one is offended – it truly is not my intention.
Dave P. said,
July 18, 2008 at 5:19 am
Thanks very much for this. My next new research project is on interracial contact in one’s everyday spaces. We’ve done a nice job of researching segregation in schools, neighborhoods, and workplaces, but the research on daily contact is nonexistent as far as I can tell. These anecdotes give me additional inspiration.
Lindsay said,
July 21, 2008 at 9:19 am
I am a white woman and knew that this was how women of color feel, and the frustration of women assuming that their gender assumes priority over race, when the two are joint. I hope that you and the woman at the blog you link to begin to have more positive experiences with white women who are aware and who are allies, and sorry to hear that this has not yet been the case. We’re out there.
olderwoman said,
July 21, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Just wanting to say I hear you on this & have heard it before from other folks.
Twinmommy said,
July 28, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I understand how taxing going into such spaces can be when they’re truly hostile. However, as a person who’s used to being the “only one” in the room, I’ve become accustomed to it. I don’t prefer it, I just know how to navigate it well. And I’ve developed a thick skin. But not since grade school has someone said something to me out of pure spite or hatefulness. Ignorant comments are few and far between and when I hear them, I only feel sorry for the person who doles them out. But my comfort was hard-won and I’ve had my times of stress and sorrow. Mostly what I notice now is the many people who accept me and make an effort to make me feel welcome and wanted. It’s an extraordinary gift also, to see people extend that treatment to my daughters. It does take effort, but I’m trying hard not to think of myself as the “only one” in the room, but to see myself just as an individual. I think often, it’s my own insecurities that keep me from being completely comfortable in those spaces and not anyone else’s disdain. It’s funny, the other day, some white women were talkng to me about how they are ignored or treated badly by the clerks in department stores. I wanted to tell them that I thought that just happened to me because I’m black, but I didn’t want to open that door. It may be the case that those things happen to me because I’m black, but it’s nice to know that they happen to people who aren’t black too. It lets me imagine that the world doesn’t revolve around my skin.
Twinmommy said,
July 28, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Also, I believe that there are many wonderful people like Lindsay out there. I had an eye-opening experience when I met a white woman who thought my hair was beautiful and proceeded to tell me what she knew about locs and how much healthier they are for our hair. Turns out she was a fan of black feminist literature. Meeting people like that, who have deeper than normal insight into my culture and issues is really, really refreshing.
yli said,
July 28, 2008 at 9:04 pm
i meant to comment on this earlier — there are so many ways your experience is shared. being an immigrant, i also constantly encounter similar cultural clashes based on a oneway assumption of norms and taken-for-grantedness. this is a generic problem between the dominant culture and the subordinate (sub)cultures — that those from minority (sub)cultures (minority either in terms of numbers or power) form “double consciousness” — i.e., they become fluent in observing both sets of norms. tiring and frustrating as it can be from time to time, i’m also grateful for belonging to a number of minority groups because it gives me rich insights that otherwise might be hard to get.
gradmommy said,
July 29, 2008 at 7:26 am
thank you to everyone for your comments. lindsay and OW – thanks for your comments. I know there are white women out there who “get it” – I just wish I came across more of you on and everyday basis. yli – thanks for sharing that. Honestly, sometimes I forget the world is not just black and white, but also majority-minority in so many dimensions. And I should remember that when I’m in the majority, I may be frustrating and tiring for other folks. The real frustration is from folks who say the get it, who are aware, but really don’t and really aren’t aware of their dominant status, as the original poster writes about feminist activists.