making it work

Last week I attended a brown-bag series at the education school about graduate school and parenthood. Although I’m not in the ed school, I thought it would be nice to get to know some other parents who are also juggling/balancing the grad school thing. The round-table discussion was also billed as a “thinking about parenthood” information session for childless students. Faculty were invited, so there was about a 60/40 split of students and faculty, respectively. There were a lot of things that came out of this meeting that I think are blog-worthy, so this week I’ll be taking each topic in turn. First up:

Making the Decision vs. Making the Decision Work

Only one non-parent showed up for the meeting, so while there was a a little bit of advice about making that decision, it was mostly about making the decision work. Which was probably best anyway. There is so much consternation amongst graduate students about when the best time to start a family is. I’ve heard it everywhere along the grad student - tenure continuum: wait until after classes are done, no, wait until you’ve defended your proposal, no, wait until you’ve landed your first position, no, wait until after you’ve gotten tenure. I remember a professor back in my freshman year of college saying,

There’s never a good time to get married or have children. Just do it.

I followed his advice.

Now that’s not to say that life will not be 10 times as hectic depending on your timing for having kids as compared to some other timing. I was in grad school last year as well, and going from one child to two children is much more difficult than I thought it would be. Living away from extended family is much more difficult than I thought it would be. Maintaining my relationship with my husband is much more difficult than I thought it would be. But it’s all doable.

Do Not Quit

One of the faculty members said (paraphrase),

The keys to making it work is to make a commitment to yourself that you will not quit. Anything.

Sometimes you’ll need to stall - I deferred grad school when I got pregnant with my first child, but there was no doubt in my mind that I was going the following year. I’m holding off on the second part of my joint program for another year because my kids still need so much from me physically, but there is no doubt that I’ll be there in another year’s time. Although it’s hard for me to truly imagine this whole process being over, I know that I am going to do it, all of it, no matter what. When having kids, a husband, and advanced degrees stop being a choice, in your mind, getting on with what has to be done get easier. My yoga teacher in Philly told me the same thing, when I was hemming and hawing about whether I even wanted to go to school or if I wanted more to teach yoga or do something more holistic. While her personal feelings seemed to said more with teaching yoga, she told me that what I needed to do was make a decision and go on with it. Looking back and wondering “what if” only leads to suffering and is totally unproductive.

The Juggling Act

Another faculty member said (paraphrase, not a direct quote),

“If you think about the juggling metaphor for balancing life and work, some of the balls you juggle are made of crystal, while others are made of rubber. The crystal balls - your children’s physical and mental health and safety, your relationship with your partner - can never be dropped, or if they are, they must be very carefully put back together. The rubber balls - work deadlines, weekend work, etc. - we can be a little more cavalier with as they will bounce right back up, if you give it a little time.”

Although I don’t like it - I want all my balls in the air, at the same time - I am going to need to start doing this, and suggest that those thinking of having families and going to school think about this too. Before kids, I tried my hardest to be perfect, turning things in early, reading every last sentence, never taking shortcuts. But once I had my kids, striving for perfection is futile because you’ll never get there, and your kids remind you of this everyday. During the first four weeks of my daughter’s life, she cried and cried and cried, and nothing you did soothed her. Efforts to be perfect for this child were doomed to fail, so you just stopped trying. You let her know that you were there, by holding her or singing to her, but after that you let go of the expectation that something you could do would make things better. When she stopped crying, everyone took a nap until the next episode and we kept it moving. I was happier that way, and happiness felt so much better than trying to be perfect.

Now, the same applies - if I’m tired, and my kids are asleep, and I have a plan for getting stuff done, I go to bed. My son was hospitalized for several days last year near the beginning of the semester, and I missed several deadlines. But those balls bounced up so quickly, I hardly remember any fall out from them. But my baby’s crystal ball was cracked, and I had to work hard at getting that back together. Along the same line, the faculty suggested making a list of things to get done during the week, and prioritize it. Stick to the list unless a crystal ball item comes up - if it ain’t about your kids’ mental, physical health and safety or your partnership (which I will devote a whole ‘nother post to) then let it go.

Biological Imperative

People have to have children in order to repopulate the world. Of course not everyone does, but if it’s an urge you have, it’s totally warranted by biology. On the other hand, people do not have to get PhDs. Honestly, I chose this career partly because of the flexibility it lends to doing the biological job quite nicely. Is it hard - sure, but what worth having in life isn’t difficult to come by? So, make the decision, and then strategize about making the decision work. It made me sad that there was only non-parent at the discussion - as much as it’s on people’s minds, why wouldn’t they want to hear the real deal from the horses’ mouth’s?

Some other thoughts to be addressed this week:

Cultural contradictions of motherhood and choice

Being a good spouse, being a good parent

Reluctance to admit resentment