03.20.08
the real deal
So much for my hiatus. I saw this letter from Shamus Khan to the readers of scatterplot on my blog reader as I was surfing the net while using my pump. It’s about academics being real people with real problems and insecurities and doing things real people do. Today I was writing up the paper for my interview study of mothers, and I thought, “Hey, I should do a gradmommy version.” ‘Cause so often we as mothers think that we have to be perfect and all together and whatnot when things really ain’t that rosy. So here is Shamus’s letter, edited to make it the graduate mother’s version:
1.)
IMy kids watch television. A lot of it, although I do strive to make sure it’s age appropriate. I make no apologies about this. It does not make me a worseacademicmother or a worse person.2.) I sometimes think about quitting. More than sometimes really. Often it is daily. This does not mean (and I stress DOES NOT mean) that I hate
sociologymotherhood, or myworkkids (although at times I do resent both). It just means I’m human. For all its rewards, our job is taxing. Particularly taxing is the sense that I am never done. Motherhood is exhausting and I don’t like being tired. This makes me want to quit. And while I cannot entertain the idea, I do daydream about it often.3.) I wish I could take days off. Sometimes, though, I do take afternoons
multiple consecutive daysoff. I am not necessarily doing anything productive on these days (I am not bettering myself by going to parenting classesart museumsor even exercisingtraveling around Europe). Sometimes I choose not to leave my apartment on these days. I order in food and watch movies or catch up on watching grown people TV that is not Elmo (see #1).4.) I feel anxious about my work almost all the time. That it’s not good enough. That my children will grow up to be maladjusted adults. That they’ll hate me for something I did to them during their childhood. That I’m a fraud. That if they gave out licenses to be parents I wouldn’t get one. That I should be doing more of it by spending more time with my kids. That it will never be done and I will be tired for the rest of my life (see #2).
I KNOW there are mothers who feel the way that I do. So, like Shamus, I am here to say that you are not alone. Of course it’s not smart to air this in such a public forum, but I don’t care about being smart anymore. I care about being honest. Cause when it comes down to the come down, nobody cares how smart you are. All that matters is that you did your best. I hope my kids understand that one day.
shakha said,
March 20, 2008 at 3:14 pm
This is wonderful! As I was writing this I thought to myself, “You know, Shamus, it’s pretty nice that you CAN take days off!” I think sociologists in particular have a tendency to abstract themselves from the processes they study – as if WE are not part of the same world we study. It’s nice to be reminded, “You know all that work we do on care work, on families, on gender relations, on parenting, on [insert whatever you study here]… well… that’s not just ‘them’ out there; it’s also us.”
gradmommy said,
March 20, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Yes! It’s one of the reasons I am being drawn to ethnographic work – there is just so much a data set cannot tell you. My life was the impetus for the motherhood study I’m doing, and not only do I think I have something worthwhile to contribute intellectually, but the impact it’s had on my personal life is pretty great too. Sociology is “us” – that’s so cool!
Thanks too for providing an awesome template to make a gradmommy version. It practically wrote itself.
olderwoman said,
March 20, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Hmm, I left a comment, I thought, but it did not show up. Well anyway I’ll just repeat it. Your post reminded me of my own past, when I felt I was managing to maximize my guilt by making exactly the right choices to feel bad about motherhood and feel bad about work. Stress and worry about children lasts a long time, but the physical labor of parenting does get easier within a few years. For most of us, anyway — I have some friends who have a handicapped child for whom the work does not decline.
anomie said,
March 20, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Because of my ridiculous commute, I spend three days a week away from my family. I feel like I’m missing most of my daughter’s kindergarten. But, I got to go with her on her last field trip. And I’ll get to stay home with her all summer.
It IS hard.
And Jillian watches television. We limit it to the Disney Channel, but she watches.
Articulate Dad said,
March 20, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Thanks for being honest. It is always good for us to remember.
twinmommy said,
March 21, 2008 at 10:35 am
I’m so glad for the honesty. I definitely feel the same way. By the way, if you need any Elmo videos, we have tons. I had to throw that in.
Andrea said,
March 21, 2008 at 11:32 pm
oh exactly! I am so tired! I put the blogging on hold too. Great letter.